8 a.m. on a Saturday

It's Saturday. It's 8 a.m.

I've been awake for about an hour and a half now. J woke me up when he went to bed after playing WoW all night. God, I still hate that fucking game. I hate it. I hate the money it costs, the time it takes, the obsession it fosters. He's not as bad about it as he used to be, but since the expansion came out last week, he's not been to bed until the sun comes up. I hope he gets tired of it soon.

I hope he can get a job soon, too. Crazy thing happened yesterday. He's been talking with 5 Guys Burgers for the last three weeks; he started going just as the GM had to have surgery (I think surgery), so he called almost every day to keep in touch with the manager who told him that he'd be put on the schedule as soon as the GM came back and was able to meet him. Yesterday he showed up, the first day since then that both manager and GM have been in together, as the manager had asked him to do. The GM told him that he recognizes J - had set up an interview for him already - and that J didn't show up, so he's not going to give him the job.

Three weeks he's thought he's had a job because this guy's been jerking him around. Cleans up, goes out, shows up yesterday, and doesn't get the job because the GM is hallucinating.

:: sigh ::

I really hope I ace the interview I have on Tuesday with an apartment complex here in town. That would be a sweet position, wouldn't it? Fifteen minute commute (if they don't want you to stay in their apartment complex), property management position, still get to meet and talk with people, get the responsibility of the complex . . . oh, that would be fantastic. Something tells me it's a bit farther out of reach than I'd like it to be - that they'll want someone with more experience to fill the position. I'm hoping to convince them that my sunny, youthful attitude is the way to go.

Did anyone just spit out their coffee as I said, "sunny, youthful attitude"? Yes? Good.

That, however, is precisely how I'm going to approach it - with letter of recommendation, references, reference list, and filled-out application in hand. Now I've just got to figure out what to wear.

I'm still not back down to size 8, so I can't wear the majority of the business suits I have. Bother. The good news is, however, that I've lost a good deal of my fluff and I'm ready to tackle the more serious flab that just likes to hang around. I'm actually surprised that I'm still keeping the weight off because I haven't worked out since the day before Halloween . . . I feel terrible for that because I think I only have a month left of the rec center membership (after which I'll obviously not be able to renew) and I haven't taken advantage of it for the last three weeks. It's starting to affect my self esteem a bit because I was doing exceptionally well with going every two, three days tops. I could reflect on things and say, "I don't have a job, but I'm keeping THIS going."

I've also still not stepped foot in the weight room. I told myself when I started working out there that I'd stay on cardio for a month or so, get healthier, then move on to the weights . . . unfortunately, even with the weight I've lost and the stamina I've gained, my heart rate spikes to the red zone within five minutes of stepping on an elliptical. It's kind of scary, actually.

Long story short, I need to get back into the habit of going again like I was. I suppose a good way to start is just to take a walk into the weight room and start seeing how stuff works . . .

Fatty McFatFat is behind me sleeping a very deep sleep. She's been rather disgusting all morning - dreaming, twitching, and emitting long, audible sighs. It's what she does, though. If she weren't so damn cute I wouldn't love her so much. Everyone gets a trip out of her when they come over. The obvious response is, "ah, Garfield!". She loves the attention. And food.

Speaking of food, I made a scrumptious chicken pot pie from scratch last night. As soon as I remembered that I actually *do* know how to make a pie crust, I've been making killer ones. The one last night was flaky and buttery - and because it's my favorite part on a pot pie, I made the top a bit thicker than the bottom crust. It was fantastic. It's the first time I've made a pot pie, and I was thrilled at how well it came out, particularly how much the filling stayed in! Nomnomnomnomnom. Almost makes me want breakfast already. Almost. I couldn't help but be reminded of Nanny's pies and cobblers and Mama's own chicken pot pies - all comfort food. It brought me back to Adams again, where I was suddenly back down to four feet tall.

I made a bundt cake, too, for J's birthday last Sunday. It turned out relatively well. It was a classic devil's food with cream cheese frosting. To be fair, the cake was from scratch but the icing wasn't. Still worked out, though. T had stopped by the store and gotten him a chocolate fudge cake, too, so we had plenty.of.cake. We've still got cake, about half of one and a couple pieces of the other.

Sunday night was pretty neat. Enjoyed the night with the folks that stopped by to spend time with us (the few pictures I took are already uploaded). I felt terrible for J, though, because he was just a couple days into antibiotics for an abscessed tooth which kept trying to wake up. He ended up having to take a couple of pain pills (hence why he looks like he's passed-out drunk). Note to self: next time J's tooth is hurting at a gathering, take pictures at the *beginning* of the night. Somehow he was able to stay conscious with all of us, and we had a good time.

J and I have been doing well as of late. With the exception of my irritation with WoW, he's been doing really well in keeping his balls in the air. I was sincerely hoping this job would have come through for him because if so, it would have been his shortest length of unemployment ever. Of course, I've mellowed out about a lot of the stupid shit, too. I'm trying to figure out if that's because of time, or if that's because I've been out of work since July and I've held more of the household responsibilities, gladly, because of it. Either way, I'm really thankful.

As of December 17, we will have had our marriage tats for exactly five years. On February 17, we will have been legally married for five years. March 27 will then mark the day we initially got together - six years previous. Almost six years now - it's incredible. We've had our share of crazy issues - a lot of them have been read about here - but I think we've finally found that place. That comfortable place - but the place that's not so comfortable that we forget to work to better ourselves.

With the exception of the fact that we're both unemployed and seriously scared shitless about that, things are going relatively well. I've got to do my best to remember that on the grey days when I wake up wondering why I haven't received more phone calls.

I went Thursday and prepped for my interview - I got my eyebrows waxed (I always look more intelligent with less bushy eyebrows) and got my hair cut. I kept the layered look and tried some long, whispy bangs so that I'd still have a bit of hair framing my face when I wear my hair back. I think I like it . . . I haven't had bangs since I was about 14, so it's a tad odd, and it will take some getting used to . . . but I think it's working for me.

Maybe this is enough idle rambling for now . . . if I think of more, I'll blog more later. After all, what else am I going to do at 8 a.m. on a Saturday?


She reappears!

Seriously, it's been a while. I can't believe that I posted a blog post-termination in July and haven't posted since. Hell, I really haven't communicated since.

To those of you that were confused, I apologize. I've been known to take a couple or few days and hibernate away from other humans for a period of time to "regroup", but it's never been known to last so long. The funny thing is that, once I started thinking about it, I realized that I've been off work for six weeks at most since I was sixteen, and that was when I moved to this city to go to school and my car was broken down.

Over ten years with no more than six weeks off between jobs, the average being about two weeks between places. Man.

So . . . I started thinking maybe I was due a vacation, and with the thought that I was due a vacation, well . . . I took it a bit overboard and truly ended up curled on the couch for weeks on end.

I seem to be coming more awake now. =)

I'm taking small steps and I'm getting better at answering phone calls and answering messages.

For a work update . . .

I'm trying to find an organization I can truly get behind and a place that I WANT to devote my time to. It will take some time, and if time runs out I'll have to grab whatever is available, but for now I'm trying to choose carefully. I'm tired of grinding myself down for places that don't appreciate me and don't offer any personal fulfillment, either. Meanwhile, I've got some great references and an awesome reference letter from ex-dude at my old office.

Anyhoo . . . hello again!


You know how stuff just sucks sometimes?

Sure you do! I'm feeling it today. I suppose the one good thing is that yesterday, when I went to work, I thought to myself, "Damn, I wish the weekend wasn't over!"

Be careful what you wish for, kiddies!

I was dumb as hell, doing my job as normal and having no idea what was going on. Then, about 2:30 in the afternoon, I got asked to join M in the conference room. I figured it was another meeting and wrapped up what I was doing, then went on in.

Well . . . turns out that after all their planning meetings last week, they have decided that the best course of action is to dissolve my position. That's right - dissolve my position. Just add water and watch it go "poof".

The man who never made any sales calls on time is now going to be in charge of all sales. They're not doing any marketing whatsoever for the rest of the year. Therefore, sales and marketing manager (or whatever the hell I was)? Pah - not needed! Position dissolved.

I got this information at 2:30 in the afternoon. They asked if I had any questions. I told them I didn't think so, and thanked them for the experience. Then, very unlike those two gentlemen, I didn't even get a handshake as we all stood around the table. Not even a handshake.

By 4:30 yesterday afternoon, my desk was cleared, I said goodbye to my pretty, pretty computer, and I walked out the door.

Well, all THAT stuff's the negative. Now for the positive.

- I got out while the gettin's good. If they're not planning on marketing at all, that place is about to go down like the Titanic. This one ain't on board. As a matter of fact, I got two weeks' severance plus my unused vacation time. That's a helluva lot more than people will get if they have to close their doors.
- I was getting restless anyway.
- I'm so damn loyal I may not have left if they didn't fire me . . .

So there are plenty of reasons here why this is a positive issue - but yes, I'll be locking myself in a hole for a bit. And if I'm not online (at least until we can get connected at home so I can job search in my underwear), this is why.

Wooooooot! Kinda.


Song of Patience

For a lovely instant I thought she would grow mad
and end the reason's fever.
But in her hand she held Christ's splinter,
so I could only laugh and press a warm coin
across her seasoned breasts:
but I remembered clearly then your insane letters
and how you wove initials in my throat.

My friends warn me
that you have read the ocean's old skeleton;
they say you stitch the water sounds
in different mouths, in other monuments.
"Journey with a silver bullet," they caution.
"Conceal a stake inside your pocket."
And I must smile as they misconstrue your insane letters
and my embroidered throat.

O I will tell him to love you carefully;
to honour you with shells and coloured bottles;
to keep from your face the falling sand
and from your human arm the time-charred beetle;
to teach you new stories about lightning
and to let you run sometimes barefoot on the shore.
And when the needle grins bloodlessly in his cheek
he will come to know how beautiful it is
to be loved by a madwoman.

And I do not gladly wait the years
for the ocean to discover and rust your face
as it has all of history's beacons
that have turned their gold and stone to water's onslaught,
for then your letters too rot with ocean's logic
and my fingernails are long enough
to tear the stitches from my throat.

~Leonard Cohen


Wake up, People!

What are you going to do with your economic stimulus check?

Buy a tank of gas? Maybe buy some groceries?

There are 256 days left until Bush is out of office. 256 long more days. The reason that the citizens of the U.S.ofA. voted him in a second time (technically only the first time since he wasn't the winner of the first election) escapes me. I'm not sure if everyone thought that he deserved a "do-over", but it was a serious mistake. Look at where we are now. For that matter, the people who still drive around with "W 2004" or "W" stickers on their vehicles leave me perplexed. I want to shake them and ask if they're blind, deaf, or dumb. I want them to wake up and realize the way things are. And Gods help us all if we somehow vote in mini-Bush-wanna-be.

Unfortunately, those that drive the SUVs with "W" on their back windshields aren't GOING to wake up. When things are comfy and cozy for a person, he or she usually does not venture outside their own bubble long enough to realize that just because things are going well for them, things aren't going well for the majority of people. As long as they're able to afford to buy, fill up, and continue driving larger vehicles to their favorite expensive restaurant, only before stopping to buy more meaningless crap for their $350,000 houses, they will never understand that most of us are suffering as a result of today's carelessness and self-centeredness.

Do you all realize that in every war in the history of the USofA, there has always been a sacrifice on the part of the US citizens? Remember war bonds? Remember the energy crisis in the 70s and gas coupons? Do you realize what all those were for? The government asked the citizens of this country to make sacrifices - just for a little while - so that we wouldn't end up with a bazillion-dollar-debt like we've got today. It's amazing how much the little things have helped us in times of upheaval and uncertainty, yet the president's too goddamn stupid to ask for sacrifice, and US citizens are too goddamn lazy and spoiled to give their time or the resources that will soon run out in the grand scheme of things.

They've even mentioning suspending the gas tax for the duration of the summer to give us all a little relief. Do all of you realize that it will make our lives a teeny bit comfortable in the short-term, it's an ignorant choice in the long run? All we'll do is give the country an even deeper deficit as if we're not in one large enough to begin with. All we'll do is have to pay for it later – whether it be losing education in schools because they've lost federal funding or if it be our soldiers fighting, ill-equipped, in this pointless fucking war, because they've cut the wrong PART of the defense budget while simultaneously raising the wrong part of the defense budget.

We are shooting ourselves in the foot, people.

We want more and more and more and more when, in actuality, less and less is available to us. And we don't want to pay for a damn thing. We want nicer roads and parks, but don't want to pay the state taxes required to pay for the stuff. We want better schools but don't want federal taxes raised. Now don't think me brash – we're all in a shitty economic condition right now and none of us can really afford to have any more money taken from our paychecks, but there has got to be a BETTER WAY for us to manage our incomes, time, and needs. It's a very basic principle – nothing in life is free, and you get what you pay for.

There's also got to be a better compensation system. We've got to make sure that the economic gap between the rich and poor stops widening. I don't know how . . . I have no clue . . . but we've got to find a better way.

So are you walking around, going day to day, complaining about gas prices but not really being introspective as to what's actually happening around you? If so, here is your wake-up call.

Personally? I'm ready for CHANGE.


Safe Haven for Fat-Assed Cat Found!

And the best possible outcome has happened. \

Jose has talked to Aaron and they’ve agreed to keep BabyGirl. This is the best possible outcome because Jose and I adopted BabyGirl together (with Jack, and my god, I still miss that cat so much). BabyGirl knows him, familiar with him, he’s familiar with her, they’re both familiar with Aaron (rofl) . . .

And Josh would like us to keep her until we actually physically move anyway, since moving her before would just be entirely pointless and way too traumatic for both of us (me and the cat).

Yay. =) Thanks for all your positive thoughts and those of you who sought out a solution. I really appreciate it.

Now I get to spend some more time with my fatty bumbling around my feet and greeting me outside the bedroom door in the morning with her squeaks. =)


Seeking Safe Home for Fat-Assed Cat

Hey, everyone.

So after a rather emotional discussion with Josh yesterday, or at least a talk where he talked and I cried, it’s pretty much been decided that I need to get rid of BabyGirl.

Josh’s allergies are just too much to have her around anymore, and now that he’s at least making the ATTEMPT to take care of himself, I’ll uphold my end of the deal and give her a new home . . .

But here’s the catch . . .

I do NOT want to surrender her to a shelter. This cat has had over five owners in her life, four before she was aged three, and has known me for the last five or six years.

I’ll be glad to hand her over to someone I know so that I can at least see her. And I’ll be glad to take her back if ever the situation warrented that and someone wasn’t able to keep her . . . I hate it that she’s going to lose the one bit of stability she’s had, and I hate that she can’t even voice her opinion about being given away . . .

So . . . please help me out.

If you, or if anyone else you know, is in search of a pet, she’s fantastic. She weighs 13 pounds, looks fat as hell, but she’s really fluffy when you get down to it. She does well with other cats, but when she’s a solitary house-cat, she really shines. She’s got an awesome personality. Lap cat. Very friendly and loving. And cuuuuuute. I don’t know how she is with kids since I never had any . . . she’s also about 9-10 years old, been fixed - she’s very mellow unless she’s in the mood to play.

Please let me know if any of you would like to get this extremely healthy, loving, and amazing girl - or if you know someone that would and can give her a good, stable home.



I must come across as a hugely bi-polar individual and / or a raging lunatic. Well the truth is that . . . .

well, yeah, that's probably the truth, come to think of it.



NCC 1701

On my way to work in the mornings, I find myself behind a small sedan with a personalized license plate that says "NCC 1701".

First I have to giggle.

Then I have to remember that I can understand the reference, hence the giggle.



Good afternoon, you'uns. It's been a while. Here's some general stuff.

- I've been busting ass at work with our new EVP of Sales and Marketing. It's been awesome, but tiring. As a matter of fact, I feel guilty for posting this blog now. That's why it'll be in bullet form.
- Lauren moved far, far away and I don't know when I'll be able to see her again. That's just sad.
- The Cadillac is still broken down, so it still needs to be fixed.
- Josh hasn't had a job in almost a month and a half, so our tax return this year (that's actually quite decent) will go to bills and fixing the Cadillac.
- Our fourth anniversary is on Sunday, and I still haven't killed Josh.
- Jack still hasn't come home. I'm beginning to wonder now if he was so damn miserable at the house that he wanted to run away and never be found.
- I can't wait until my birthday even if it is over a month away.
- Reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances is grand.
- There are some people in this world you want very badly to believe, but when they've started a new serious relationship with guy 4, and the pattern is to fall madly in love with the one she's "been waiting for" - have a kid - and then leave, you tend to just go ahead and cut that rope loose before seeing her hurt anyone else.
- I can't fucking wait for Allie to come to Nashville this month, and we can all go out on the town sans that nasty-ass ho that Rachel used to live with.
- Why is it that when you tell someone "just don't be an asshole to my friends" and they'll still be an asshole to your friends?
- I'm still not smoking (for the most part). I've had one cigarette a week for the last month. I'm still taking the Chantix.
- Our new Sleep Number bed is fantastic, but I will not ever recommend Select Comfort to anyone based upon their customer service alone.

Alright, I think that's a good start.



Goodbye, 2007!

When you're a kid you hear your mom say, "The years just fly by!" and you don't believe her. Christmas just can't come quickly enough – and your birthday drags. I've known for a while that my mom was right (the years started speeding up for me at about 15), but it's never rang quite as true as it did this year. 2007 truly just flew by.

Here's a 2007 reflection blog. These are some of the more important (and less important) things that I'd learned in the last year (and hope to not lose).

This year proved to me time and time again who my friends are. I appreciate every one of you even if I don't show it often enough, and if I don't, I truly do apologize for that. Even still, I hope that you all know that if you need me at 3 a.m., keep calling me until I wake up. If you need me, I will be there. This I need you to know.

I learned that some of the best friends can come of the worst situations.

I've learned that no matter where you work there's always one bitch, and no matter where you live there's always white trash.

I learned that if a company still won't do what you need them to do to make you a satisfied customer, go ahead – leave them. Don't spend valuable hours and valuable dollars hoping that your threats will be enough for them to appreciate you.

I've re-learned that no matter how much you think you're being appreciative, sometimes you're still taking the most valuable things in life for granted.

I learned that, at 26 years of age, I'm still coming to know myself, know my limits, and know that some of my limits I previously thought in stone truly weren't.

I re-learned that everyone – and I do mean everyone – is human.

I learned that if you have enough patience, enough hair to pull out of your head, and enough friends to vent toward, you truly can help your relationship get better – but it takes patience, not giving up, and it takes friends who know how to keep their mouths shut when you vent to them and say things that you would never, ever mean (and the venting helps keep you from saying something stupid later).

I've re-learned that some people never change; they have their pattern of behavior and that pattern usually won't be reversed if they're already "set in their ways".

I've re-learned that you don't WANT people to change. You want them to be them, even if that means removing yourself from an unhealthy situation to heal your own heart or if that means re-evaluating your situation to see that sometimes it's not nearly as bad as you think.

Now for some specifics about 2007 . . . .

I started "Friends blogs" this year to introduce all my friends to one another and didn't complete or continue those (but I plan to in 2008).

I had the most amazing birthday (of my life!) this year. I made it the "week of April" and celebrated with a spa day, dinner at work, Italian dinner with Josh and Jose, wonderful home-made lasagna that Rachel made and a party that Rachel, Lauren, and Shanna put together for me, and plenty of time off to nurse my hangovers. Truly fantastic, I'll tell ya.

The Simpsons Movie came out – about fucking time!! I loved every minute of it.

Jose lived with Josh and I for a little while, long enough to get us (mainly) back on our feet and long enough to help out Jose, too. And our friendship survived this time.

I fell in love with Ray Lamontagne's music and became determined to share the word.

I dropped Sprint like a hot potato when they decided they didn't appreciate our 5-year relationship and still demanded a deposit for a second, family-share line. I then picked up Verizon and have since been in love.

I started as Sales and Marketing Manager in February 2007. To be honest with you, I thought it would be easier than this. Truth is that this freaking sucks. Business has been slow and, in this position, it doesn't really matter WHY business has been slow, just that business HAS been slow. I thought I would end up making the big bucks but commissions just haven't come as expected. Further, I'm beginning to wonder if I belong in this seat as they've just brought in an Executive Vice President of Business Development. More importantly, I'm beginning to wonder if THEY think I belong in this seat.

But I still bust my ass.

I also lost one of my children. Mid-November Jack ran out of the house. I truly took that cat-dog for granted. I've looked, I've searched, I've tried to trap, and all to no avail. Either he doesn't want to come home or he keeps moving too fast for me to catch up with him. I'm sad, regardless, but I also just hope he's ok and happy wherever he may be. It's time to let him go now, seriously, and move on. BabyGirl's becoming more and more awesome every day. She's even started doing what I miss most about Jack, and that's the way that he greeted me at my bedroom door every morning as I got out of the shower. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.

Alright, guys. I know there's much, much more but my lunch break is over and I need to keep busy or I'll go nuts trying to NOT smoke.

Coming soon – 2008 resolutions.